(Source: driverattitude, via thelandandthesea)

brazilwonders:

Índio Yanomami. Roraima (by pinterest)

(via thelandandthesea)

It’s almost Valentines day.

I talked to Paul today. He seemed happy and gave me all this advice but used the word “fag” in a conversation. I hate that. He understood my insecurities about school and life. I’m glad I went to church today. I feel better and more relaxed that there is a god holding my hand and looking out for me. I hope I’m on his path. I pray that I am.

I’m trying to erase

I’m trying to erase. I am such a sad pathetic person. My happiness if left in Florida with a boy I fell in love with but doesn’t love me back. He has a family, a home made of love and forgiveness. I am an empty shell of pain and constant bleaching of my memory. I wonder what side of me will every be happy, the side which creates wrinkles on my forehead or m my other half which chooses to participate in memories and thought rather than reality. I wonder if going forward to stitch up pieces will help, or will my skin thicken and grow over to create scars. These scars will define me as I look on to a future with out you which I hope never exists. You take over my memory politely, make me feel these feelings of self doubt and lack of worth while you in actuality are fine. Eating lunch with friends and shopping at your favorite stores while dating the girl your father loves. Will a past love tip out of your closet? I never wanted this. I wanted you and I to live in a city and go on walks and talk about your movies and call your mom together. I want to take trips back to where you live now and remember how silly we were and think about how strong we are together. But I throw bleach on those memories and fill them in with blank slates and painful words and cuts I inflict on my soul and other people who swear they love me but never call because they are too busy being in love like you never were. The whole reason for this not calling was to get better, but I feel worse and helpless. Your life was always so simple, all the horrible thoughts you were thinking and the ones I now own. They carve into me I find no happiness in myself. Everything about you was so different. We could have worked out if I tried hard enough which I did but it wasn’t good enough. What if I had stuck around and said yes, call me tonight. Please. But I didn’t. I couldn’t feel that pain. I’m so so tired. I’m trying to live on but everything is so overwhelming. I am gone.

Tonight

I miss you. I wonder if there is any hope left. For me or for you. Or for us. Hearing the skype conversations make me feel lonely and empty. I wish things weren’t difficult. I wish I could satisfy myself and was stronger. I wish pills could fix me. I wish anxiety didn’t exist. My body aches for you although my brain pulls for a clearer view. I want to be able to be okay. Maybe my life is shit. How do other people live?

One Week.

Last week I would have just broken up with Spencer. Or we would have ended. I feel so sad thinking about it. I feel sad knowing he might be happy but I feel more sad knowing he might be even more sad. I keep thinking of things he said while we broke up. “The distance is too hard.” “We’ll never live in the same state for years.” “We don’t have any problems Malea. There is nothing to work out.” “I need to change something in my life” “I used to think about death during the night but now I’m thinking about it during the day.”

All of these thoughts and feelings keep echoing in my head. I make up situations where I talk to him. I feel crazy. I feel like my body can’t handle it all because my insides crave him and my body knows that I can’t and shouldn’t have him. I can be sitting anywhere and think of him- hooking up with girls, going to a party, being happy and I just feel like dying. All the energy in my body leaves me and I just feel so withered. Which makes me wonder, is there more than life than love and being together? Is there more out there than relationships, partners, sex, love, texts, phone calls, visits, vacations? Intimacy? 

It’s hard to keep living when you have no purpose. When you have no real reason to go on in life. It makes me so sad and confused and scared that I can’t handle my own problems without the help of a guy who I think is my dream boat.

I wake up every morning feeling drained. Feeling like I’ve cried all night even though I haven’t an dan echo fills my head saying “If he really loved you he would have called. Tried to break past the moat I set myself in and apologized. Maybe he will in the future. Maybe he just knows it’s over. Maybe he respects my wishes-from what I’ve told him to not contact me.

I am back tracking and wishing we got back together again. I don’t think it’s good.

I have found out that the reason I feel better at night is because we would talk at night and I would always be awake a little after him. Who knows what he’s doing now. Filming I guess. The perfect guy I had dreamed of. I wonder if I had moved to Florida or had made plans if things would be different. Could this be just temporary? 

Things I need to do before I die.

• Travel to Europe
• Travel to Canada 
• Travel to South America
• Get a badass tattoo
• Graduate college
• Make a best friend here in San Francisco.
• Learn to love myself
• Find a hobby other than riding that makes me feel better.
• Learn to Salsa dance.
• Play the banjo. 
• Shave my head.
• Own a hairless cat.
• Learn to sew clothing.
• Make a painting. Get involved in a video.
• Get on a set.
  Go backpacking.
• Have a spiritual moment in a different world.
• Go to burning man.
•  

For tonight.

I sometimes wonder if there is more than life than being together. School. School work. Drama with friends. Personal battles. Is there anymore? How do I make more? How do I become more involved?

Today was pretty shitty. I woke up and felt the most depressed I have in a while. Waking up in the morning and feeling the weight of everything. I felt him being happy. It hurts more than anything to know he could be happy because I want him to feel horrible like I do sometimes.

I broke down and looked at his facebook. He won his film festival. I wonder if he wanted to share that with me life I wish he could have. I wish he could- that’s all I think. It feels like every moment I’m getting sober. Some type of sobriety from the pain I encountered for two days. I want this feeling of crap to go away. I guess the pills aren’t working.

I want to throw away all of his shit. I can’t stand it. I feel angry and frustrated.

Today I felt like I was a complete burden to everyone. I don’t want to say it but I guess it became more valid when Brittney began to cry about life. I don’t want to feel like a weight on everyone’s shoulders. I just want to happy.

I sometimes ketch myself wanting him to call me. To give me some type of spark that we’re still alive. I guess we just aren’t anymore. That perfect partner I thought I found is missing, gone. Those things I looked for in a person are hidden from me. The inspiration, the artist video making writer, the depressed side that made him so complex. Maybe it isn’t goodbye forever, maybe it’s goodbye for now.

He never did anything horrible to make him hurt me. So the question is, why did you break up? Depression and Distance? Why couldn’t we overcome that?

My living situation next year is completely fucked. I want to live with Maddy. But I’m not even sure if that’s going to happen. If there was a place in the world I could be happy, I would go. I just know it can’t be with Spencer. It’s just not right. I know that the door has closed. It’s just trying to seal all the cracks and keeping the locks locked.

I need to stay busy. It’s the only way I can deal with all of these fucked up feelings.

I ran for 10 minutes straight. I feel like that’s a huge accomplishment. 

This morning

I feel sad. I haven’t been thinking about Spencer hooking up with girls but my insides just feel sad. I know he can have any girl he wants. I know he can be getting blow jobs from sorority girls. He could be smiling and happy. It hurts me to know both. But it’s not exactly like I’m suffering.

I’m worried that everyone is going to get bored of me. That I’ll exhaust everyone. I have nothing to tell. I just have old stories to tell, used up feelings. I have no one fighting on my side I have no one. I just feel so alone.

Is there anything other than love? Is there anything better out there? Is there anything I can control?

I wish he felt the same way.